narcissistic abuse

Wounded to the Core – Healing after Narcissistic Abuse – 4 Parts

Part Four of Four

Narcissistic Abuse

Well, we are making our way through the list of tactics that narcissists will use to distort your reality. We are in the home stretch so hold on and keep reading.

9. Crazy-making

They will not only do things that make you think you are crazy; they will call you crazy! They will tell other people you are crazy too. The reason for this is pure evil – they want to make sure that if you ever approach someone for help, they won’t believe you. You’re too “crazy” to be taken seriously because you have a screwed-up version of reality. Tom actually told my children that they should consider having me committed because I was unstable.

10. Everyone else is a liar

They want their victims to rely on them for everything. They have a type of savior-complex and will convince their victims that no one else loves them, cares for them, or can provide for them the way they do. They will say things like, “You seriously believe them over me?” “Do you really think they care about you?” “Your friends are afraid to tell you the truth.” Tom told me that he looked forward to watching me crash and burn because he knew I couldn’t survive without him. Brad actually called my therapist to warn her that I would need her help once I realized the big mistake I had just made. Narcissists will naturally seek out people who are co-dependents or enablers. Co-dependents and enablers are more easily manipulated into doubting their reality and trusting their lying narcissist.

11. Carrot dangling / broken promises

Maybe they promise to take you somewhere special and then at the last minute, cancel the plans with no real legitimate reason (broken promise) but promise to make it up to you later (carrot). Don’t buy into this. You are never going to catch that carrot! And over time, this cycle will cause you to doubt your reality because with every promise, you grab onto a false hope that is then stolen from you.

12. Over-talking 

They are eloquent over-talkers. I am a direct talker, sometimes too direct so I can’t stand for people to talk all around an issue when they could just spit it out. I used to tell Brad he was using too many words. Now I understand why. It’s another way to confuse your reality

13. Sorry not sorry

They may easily say they are sorry and act like they are empathetic, and they will point out that they are being responsible and then say they don’t see the same from you. Oh my goodness! This is so true! This happened every time we had an argument. Every.Single.Time. And oftentimes it was before anything had even been resolved. It’s almost like it is their way of shutting down the argument without having to change anything and without having to acknowledge your reality.

14. But he/she is so nice! A pillar of society!
Meredith Miller from Inner Integration provides a warning about how nice and charismatic they can appear. It is not the reality you may think it is.

“When they are nice, it is a transaction, a seduction, and isn’t given freely. There is an expectation of return.” 

There is an energetic difference between nice and kind. I am learning how to tell the difference.

15. Drama, drama, drama

They know your triggers and they love using them against you. They thrive on drama and when things get too comfortable, they will push those buttons to get you going. I fell for this way too many times. It can leave you feeling like you are living in the twilight zone!

15. Adore me

They want to be liked, want attention, and need public displays of affection. This is, in my opinion, where their own reality is skewed. They need to think people adore them. Brad made a comment about this early on in our relationship. He told me that he needed PDA and asked if I had a problem with that. I now know I should have asked for him to explain what he meant but I was thinking, “of course I’m ok with that. I want to hold your hand in public. Or give you an appropriate kiss. That’s cool!” But he would want to have a make-out session in the elevator, or he would want to kiss me in the middle of a church service. He also commented one day that the best way I could make him feel loved would be to compliment him, especially in front of other people. I mean, to each his own, I guess. 

A narcissist can keep you entangled for a long time. They are that good. If you think you may be in a relationship with a narcissist, my first piece of advice is to start working on yourself. Work on separating how you feel about yourself from how he/she has made you think you should feel about yourself. Stop trying to make sanity out of insane behavior. Stop looking for miracles. Stop expecting them to change. When you see them being incongruent, recognize it for what it is and stop receiving it into your own heart as truth! The stronger you get, the more clearly you will see. However, you may be trauma bonded to this person so expect your own mind and heart to deceive you. This is when you should reach out for professional help. A professional can also help you work through the behaviors that make you a target, like being a co-dependent or an enabler. There are also support groups, podcasts, books, and other resources widely available. For me, reading books on the subject, watching Meredith Miller’s YouTube videos, and joining a FB support group is helping me understand what has happened to me, realize it is something that happened TO me and not BECAUSE of me, and discover what love really should look like.

My healing is just beginning but I am thankful that I had friends who loved me enough to speak into my life about it. And that’s what I want to pass along to you. If no one else has told you, you deserve better. There is nothing wrong with you. You are lovable, and smart, and kind. Take back your power and hold your head up!

Check out this incredible resource to start you on your road to healing!

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